Police Files: Uncut Volume One

POLICE FILES: UN-CUT

By Jimmy Squarejaw

*WARNING*

All movies reviewed for SUNDAY SNUFF contain graphic depictions that may include rape, live animals being murdered, and extreme gore.  None of the writers condone such acts we just watch this shit. 

The “Shock-u-Mentary” genre is one of my favorites when it comes to extreme movies. Having a front row seat to view the sickest shit available on film, legally, speaks to the depraved voyeur in me. I grew up trying to figure out how to rent all of the FACES OF DEATH videos without my parents noticing or the video store noticing that I removed all of the “Warning-Adults Only” labels from the Gorgon V/H/S boxes. After I got all of these viewed, which was quite the task, I started actively seeking out everything I could find that was similar to the insanity of FACES OF DEATH. Every now and then I was able to snag movies like TRACES OF DEATH and INHUMANITIES but the video store eventually caught onto me. Then one day my Dad brought home the video POLICE FILES: UNCUT from U.P.V. Entertainment. He gave it a watch then left it on the counter with a note that said, WATCH THIS. I’ve been actively looking for a copy, without success, for about fifteen years to the point of it had almost become an urban legend in my head. I FINALLY found a copy of POLICE FILES for sale just a few months ago and recently cracked open thirty three beers to celebrate watching it again.

POLICE FILES: UNCUT is setup as a collection of video footage from the annals of police departments all across the country. It begins in a meeting with police officers talking about how hard their jobs are, how suicidal most of them are, and how much most of them drink, so basically it’s like Thanksgiving every year at Nick and Aaron Carter’s house. Sure it gives a good inside look to the stresses of the job……but it also drags ass and I hate listening to people complain about that shit. If being a cop is so insane, quit and be a hazelnut farmer. After their yap we finally get to the good stuff; shootouts, crime scene footage, and all sorts of wacky scenes of brutality. Some choice segments are the bomb technician getting blown apart after cutting the wrong wire, a drive-by shooting during a Mafioso wedding (Mama Mia!), and a news crew capturing an escaped mental patient stabbing a nurse in the neck with a screwdriver before being gunned down.

Then I start to get that bad feeling that most, if not all of these scenes are staged, which they are. I guess my juvenile mind managed to be tricked when I first watched POLICE FILES: UNCUT so many years ago but I would be lying if I said it wasn’t an entirely entertaining watch regardless. Most of the staged scenes had to have been shot in the late 70’s and 80’s judging by their haircuts and clothes. Also a lot of the dialogue and acting was absolutely ridiculous. My favorite example of this is a scene shot in a courtroom with a captured killer who looks like the Soup Nazi. The heavily stereotyped criminal videotaped raping and murdering his victims, which the judge insists on playing in the courtroom as evidence. The “killer” just rolls his hands over his face during the viewing, breathing deeply, and then the camera zooms in and freezes on his face as he slightly turns to look menacing. Really stupid shit, but I loved it!

Truthfully, this movie totally sucks and unless you enjoy cheesedick-schlock like I do, take a pass!  I’d be interested to know anything about this movie though being that it seems to be insanely rare, has no barcode and pretty much doesn’t exist on the Interweb.  In fact I can’t even find a picture of it so I have to use my shit camera for the image.

Blake and Jimmy’s Extreme-O-Gauge!

Realistic Gore: 1 out of 5, for the most part the entire thing is fake.

Rape: 2 out of 5, although fake-the scene of the filmed rape and murder is kinda disturbing.

Animal Death: 0 out of 0.

Necrophilia: 0 out of 0. 

Torture: 0 out of 0. Except for the poor bastard that watches this movie.
Overall Movie: I'll give it a 2 out of 5 for nostalgia, but truthfully most of the scenes are fake and ridiculous!