Slow Torture Puke Chamber

By Jimmy Squarejaw

If I can say one thing that’s positive is Lucifer Valentine keeps his formula pretty simple in the Vomit Gore Trilogy so if you like one you’ll probably be a fan of them all, kinda like Owen Wilson movies.  The final chapter in the trilogy, SLOW TORTURE PUKE CHAMBER, is a continuance of hookers whining about how fucked up their lives are intermixed with people puking, pissing, showing their boobs and getting the shit beat out of them.  Like I’ve said in the previous reviews, I’m not the kind of person who really watches these movies because they are artistic.  I also don’t try to pretend I’m a symbologist or a doctor of metaphors either.  I watch them because it's like a front row seat to hell behind protective glass.  But eating a Carl's Jr breakfast sandwich, listening to the music of 30 Seconds to Mars, and rectal cancer is also what I imagine having a peek into hell would be like too.

We’re introduced to a new version of the main character, Angela Aberdeen, at the beginning of the movie and she jumps right into talking about how terrible her life is and then has the cameraman smack the shit out of her.  These scenes are mixed with her stripping and rubbing her big fake boobs to a soundtrack that sounds like Neil Young got drunk and fell into his amplifier.  So far so good.  Now we catch up with the original Angela Aberdeen from the first two flicks who has a nice new red dress, better foundation to hide her pock marks, but that same drug and alcohol induced glare.  Speaking of alcohol, lets jump back to new Angela Aberdeen doing a lot of shots of vodka then puking them back up to re-drink them.  I think I paid a 19-year-old chick who worked at Jamba Juice to do the same thing on film, but I digress.

After a little bit more of the same ol’ shit we get to watch everyone piss numerous times in different containers or on themselves and masturbate with crucifixes.  New Angela is complaining about her eating disorders and hating her Dad’s new girlfriend and still rubbing her boobs and blah fuckin' blah.  It just goes on like this folks until new Angela eats a birthday cake with cricket toppings and the fat guy in the other two movies grinds a baby up in a blender and drinks it.  Put these movies on in the background of any party and you’ll have some fun, otherwise I can’t recommend them too much. 

 

Blake and Jimmy’s Extreme-O-Gauge!

Realistic Gore: 1 out of 5, nothing gory except a lot of puke.

Rape:  0 out of 5, Jesus doesn’t count.

Animal Death: 0 out of 5, nada.

Necrophilia: 0 out of 5, nilch.

Torture: 2 out of 5, there is a lot of people getting beat, tied up and crying.

Overall Movie: 2 out of 5, not the worst thing I've seen but not too good.