https://www.facebook.com/yallaredead
In my humble opinion when
the cover of a death film touts it contains 40% new footage, it's banned in only 26 countries, it has the “As
Seen On T.V.” red square on the cover, and it looks like it was made by a
fourteen year old on design software from 1998, it’s safe to assume that it will
be a real hunk of shit! And that’s
exactly what DEATH: THE FINAL JOURNEYS is! The bad news is there are fucking seven of these things so I
have my work cut out for me to cover all seven parts for our eight regular
readers. Well let’s get this death party going, here are my thoughts on volume one.
The filmmakers begin DEATH:
THE FINAL JOURNEYS with a really boring female voice narrating over a hearse
pulling up on screen. I bet this chick had a
really promising acting career after the rave reviews for her part in the high
school drama department’s rendition of THE BREAKFAST CLUB, but now she’s
reduced to this kind of shit that she catches on the weekends from her data
entry job. The driver of the
hearse, who looks like the drummer for hip rock group Alice in Chains, gets out
and stands ominously next to the vehicle while the narrator clucks out some
bullshit dialogue that could have been written for the Goosebumps series, but
not the good ones, like when Goosebumps got up into volume 80-that kind of
shitty writing.
The entire movie is a
nonsensical mash-up of footage ranging from Hitler, car accidents, natives
dismantling and eating a giraffe, police footage of people being killed and
so much more. Some of the scenes
in volume one are very intriguing and I was surprised that this movie is “as
seen on T.V.” I never recall seeing commercials for DEATH: THE FINAL JOURNEYS
but I could only imagine how amazing they must’ve been. Just picture watching the prostitute
beating Sham-Wow guy or the cocaine fueled Bill Mays peddling a death film
series in late night infomercials with 40% new footage! What am I doing with my life? I’ve painstakingly scoured the
interwebs (for two minutes) to try and find any information on these movies or
their commercials but really I can’t find anything.
My biggest criticism of
volume one, and I’m guessing volume two through seven, is there is no format to
the movie; it’s just a whole bunch of clips in a row. After watching the whole thing any hoof headed mongoloid
could see that it could’ve been easily made with linear sequencing of
clips. One minute there is a car
flying off the road into a crowd of people, then there is footage of an African
town that had guerrillas raid the hell out of it, then there is the classic clip of old farmers sucking blood out of a deer's nutsack; it’s all over the place! DEATH: THE FINAL JOURNEYS makes me really appreciate other
death films like FACES OF DEATH and JUNK FILMS a lot more because actual
production went into them. Any
prick can rifle off 75-80 clips of people being killed and this movie is a
great example of lowered standards in genre that's sleazy to begin with.
Blake
and Jimmy’s Extreme-O-Gauge!
Gore:
5 out of 5, although a shitty example of a death film there is still a lot of
death.
Rape:
0 out of 0
Animal
Death: 3 out of 5, some oddball stuff but a lot the animals are killed before
the cameras get turned on.
Necrophilia:
0 out of 0
Torture: 0 out of 0, they’re
either dead or killed quickly.
Overall Movie: 2 out of 5, meh!
No comments:
Post a Comment