Oldboy 2013

By Jimmy Squarejaw

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Remakes are always a debatable topic amongst movie fans and it gives people something to bitch about, debate, and pretend like they have been fans of the original because it’s “so like my favorite movie.”  Further more American remakes of psychotic foreign movies really stirs up all sorts of stupid ramblings.  Sales of the original movie skyrocket, hits on websites like wikipedia and IMDB go through the roof, and everyone all of the sudden finds out the original has been on Netflix for years. That being said, the remake of OLDBOY directed by Spike Lee has been on my “oh my god”? radar for a little bit and I must admit a huge saving grace for keeping my interest was Josh Brolin playing the lead previously played by Korean nutbar Min-sik Choi.

OLDBOY 2013 begins with a nice glimpse into the drunken reality of lead character Josh Doucett: He’s a complete dirtbag, fall down drunk who hates his ex-wife, bails on his daughter’s 3rd birthday, and initiates his libido onto the wrong woman and looses a big account.  So far so good.  After loosing the account Doucett goes on an award winning bender that I swear to god was taken from my average weeknight.  I’ll be taking up receiving my own 40 acres and a mule from Spike for stealing my life details but that’s another story.  After waking up the next day from his drunken fiesta Doucett realizes he is imprisoned in a fake hotel room with no details to why.  

It takes a little bit of time for him to really loose his mind and hit rock bottom but eventually over the next twenty years Doucett kicks the booze habit, dials in those abs and pecs, learns martial arts from movies shown on his T.V., stays up to date with all of the details in the murder of his ex-wife he was framed for, and keeps tabs on how his orphaned daughter was raised-pretty informative news shows shown in the hotel jail room.  Just as he figures out how to break free Josh Doucett is suddenly and inexplicably released with a wad of cash, a nice pair of shades, an iPhone, and a new suit.  With the help of a doe eyed, ex-junky nurse he befriends, Doucett uncovers the facts about his imprisonment and beats the hell out of a few people along the way.

Josh Brolin makes OLDBOY 2013.  His portrayal of a drunk is amazing and should be looked up to by the youths of America.  And his portrayal of a really pissed off guy looking to figure out what the hell happened to him is also admirable I guess, but I prefer the drunk.  Elizabeth Olsen and Samuel Jackson are also great, which is no surprise.  But now for the bad news, Sharlto Copley’s character was nauseating and really detracted from the movie.  Think Dr. Evil mixed with McLovin and it’s really hard to take him seriously in any part of the movie.  

Now the big question, did it live up to the original?  Like all remakes for me, there are some pros and cons.  Pros being Brolin for sure and a few of the introduced Americanisms that of course had to be written to counter Koreanisms worked in the story.  And the story stuck to the.....how should I say.......naughty little plot twists that I really assumed the American version would alter or water down.  Another plus, Elizabeth Olsen’s rack but......y’know the plot kinda makes it a love/hate aspect and makes you question your morals.  Olsen's rack is  coupled with numerous shots of white man ass, so don't worry fellas there's something for the ladies!  The violence however lacked quite a bit, and the epic hammer battle in the original wasn’t even close to being as captivating.  But I will admit I was thankful an octopus’ life was spared in the remake.   

OLDBOY 2013 was worth a watch for sure but no matter who directed and starred in it, it couldn’t deliver the impact of the original-DUH!  The ending was pretty epic and gross and for the average American moviegoer who has no idea what OLDBOY is will probably get their brains fucked inside out with the big twist ending.       

Blake and Jimmy’s Extreme-O-Gauge!

Violence/Gore: 2 out of 5, a few whacks and breaks but meh.

Rape: 1 out of 5, nothing really inserted but a couple aggressive moments.

Animal Death: 1 out of 5, a shoebox full of lil' buddies meets an untimely demise.

Necrophilia: 0 out of 0

Torture: 2 out of 5, Sam Jackson has an unpleasant run in with Josh Brolin and an exacto knife.

Overall Movie: 3 out of 5, it was a good watch and I’d be interested to see what people who have never seen the original would think.

THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT (2009)

By: Senor Woo

Last week my cohort and partner in crime, Jimmy Squarejaw, re visited the 1972 horror cult-classic THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT.  I have much respect for what Wes Craven did in regards to making a no holds bar rape and revenge flick that shocked the hell out movie goers in the early 1970’s. It took some big ol’ balls and seemingly paid off for the director in terms of making a name for himself in the horror community. When the 2009 remake was announced, you could hear horror movie fans across the country scream ‘foul’ in unison. I waited for it to come out on DVD before giving it a watch and HOLY SHIT, it was pretty damn good!

The story is pretty much the same with a few differences here and there (thank God they didn’t include the two idiot cops from the original, they were always my biggest pet peeve with that flick!) Little sweet booty Mari and her hot to trot friend meet up with a guy there age and end up smoking some weed in his hotel room. Unfortunately for the girls, the kid isn’t traveling alone. That’s when we get introduced to Krug and his marry band of violent, rapey friends. The girls are taken into the woods to be humiliated, tortured, raped, and killed. While the rape scene isn’t quite as intense as the original, it still makes you squirm and you probably wouldn’t want to watch it with your girlfriend or mother. Mari’s friend gets a knife to the stomach while Mari attempts to swim to safety, but ends up taking a bullet for her troubles and is left for dead. Krug and the crew get caught up in a storm and are taken in by a way too trusting couple…who also just so happen to be Mari’s parents. Let the revenge fly!

The intensity and gore is kicked up in the remake. Lots of stabbings, gunshot wounds, hammer to the head, and even a head that gets blown up in a microwave ( completely random scene.) My favorite scene is where Mari’s parents attempt to drown one of the guys in the sink while simultaneously turning his arm into ground beef in the garbage disposal. The great thing about this movie was the abundant amount of realistic violence. Lot's of nasty shit goes down for our sick viewing pleasure.  Unfortunately, the T&A was toned down, with only Krug’s flat chested girlfriend showing off the goods. Meh, better than nothing I guess.

It’s pretty hard to shock audiences these days, but THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT REMAKE did an excellent job at trying. I think fans of the original should give this one a shot, but view it as its own film and try not to do too much comparing to the original.  It’s a great revenge movie with lots of blood and violence. I dig it.

Blake and Jimmy’s Extreme-O-Gauge!

Realistic Gore:  5 out of 5, lots of good stuff here, lots more than the original.

Rape:  4 out of the 5, not an easy watch, but less brutal than the original. 

Animal Death: 0 out of 0

Necrophilia: 0 out of 0

Torture: 4 out of 5, physical, sexual, and mental torture. The sequel is going to be about Mari’s psychologist bill.

Overall Movie:  4 out of 5.  Great revenge movie