Android of Notre Dame

THE ANDROID OF NOTRE DAME

By Jimmy Squarejaw

 

 

*WARNING*

All movies reviewed for SUNDAY SNUFF contain graphic depictions that may include rape, live animals being murdered, and extreme gore.  None of the writers condone such acts we just watch this shit. 

This week for SUNDAY SNUFF I decided to crack open the much sought after GUINEA PIG box set.  For those who are not familiar with these movies here’s a CliffsNotes history for you.  Back in the 1980’s and early 90’s a series of six insanely graphic films were made in Japan under the guise of producer Hideshi Hino.  From my understanding they were all underground midnight-type movies being that they were all filled with excessive gore and extreme violence.  Then comes along a Japanese serial killer by the name of Tsutomu Miyazaki. When Miyazaki was caught the Japanese authorities found one of these films in his collection and figured the killer modeled some of his killings on these movies so they were all banned in Japan. 

Now cut to 1991 at a party in Hollywood.  Charlie Sheen, probably under the influence of more than 7-Up and Saltines, watched one of these films after it was given to him by Chris Gore. (I’ve never heard of this guy but I assume he’s annoying if he hangs out with Charlie Sheen and has a fake name like that.)  After watching the film Sheen does the right thing and contacts the F.B.I. because he thought it was a real Snuff movie. 

The years following all of this negative hype saw the movies go pretty much extinct in any form of print.  I know there are two different box sets out there released in the early 2000’s containing all the films but even those are now out-of-print so good luck trying to find them. 

The first film I decided to review is one that I haven’t watched out of the set and one that doesn’t get a lot of written coverage, the fifth film in the series THE ANDROID OF NOTRE DAME.

The movie opens with a withered old man rambling about existence, life, and death.  If you don’t have brain damage it’s pretty clear that he is the aged version of the young dwarf scientist we meet next toiling away in his dark lab full of all sorts of lab animals.  Like the other GUINEA PIG movies I’ve seen, this one follows the GUINEA PIG formula to a T: shot on video quality picture, terrible music, and film student directing skill but who gives a fuck because they’re awesome.  The dwarf scientist is trying to figure out a cure for his dying sister’s disease and is contacted by another scientist, Kato, who says he can send a young teenage “guinea pig” girl to experiment on for 3 Million Yen.  Naturally the dwarf scientist accepts and the very next day he has a dead, teenage girl shipped to him in a box, god bless Japan.  Unbeknownst to him though, Kato has accessed his lab notes from some Jurassic-era internet connection database and shows up at the dwarf scientist’s house to blackmail him further.  Quick to think on his little toes, the dwarf springs a trap that saws off Kato’s legs and enables him to make Kato the next guinea pig to experiment on.

The rest of the movie was really confusing for me and that doesn’t say much being that I can’t change a flat tire or figure out how to get rid of dandruff.  The dwarf takes Kato’s head, draws lines all over it like if Pinhead from HELLRAISER didn’t have pins, and connects it to a robotic arm.  After doing a few experiments the dwarf has Kato call his wife/science partner.  She shows up and doesn’t seem too upset that her husband was a decaying head and she also didn’t seem too upset when his robotic arm felt her tit then strangled her to death.  The dwarf then digs out her ribs and another unknown organ, says his sister will never die, she does, then he’s seen as the old withered man sitting in a giant wooden chair with the organ in his lap rambling about all sorts of shit. 

Now let’s cover why these movies are so crazy…..THE GORE!  Like the other films in the GUINEA PIG series, it appears that the entire budget gets sunk into the special effects because they are totally amazing and fun to watch!  In THE ANDROID OF NOTRE DAME the first guinea pig girl who shows up dead in a box gets a healthy dose of scientific intrigue by the dwarf scientist.  He hooks her tongue and ripped off ear up to an electrical contraption and covers her body with electrode pads.  Once he turns on the juice she starts blowing blood out of every hole imaginable and then her hand dislodges from her arm and sprays goopy blood all over the place.  Good start, but I think poor old Kato gets the brunt of horrifying death.  After a buzz saw cuts off his legs and his head separated, the dwarf scientist makes some room on a lab table and props up his head up on it.  With every experiment performed on Kato, more boils explode, more toxic liquid gets forced through his mouth, and more all around unpleasant things happen in the name of science.  Over time he even starts to rot and slough off decaying skin.

I highly recommend tracking down the GUINEA PIG movies if you are into gore gore and more gore.  Over time all six films and the SLAUGHTER SPECIAL will get covered on Sunday Snuff and they are all worthy of a spot on any gore hounds video shelf!  Amazingly enough a lot of people do not know what the hell these movies are so scan craigslist, used record and DVD stores, and even pawnshops.  I have found copies for sale at all of these for cheap!

Blake and Jimmy’s Extreme-O-Gauge!

Realistic Gore: 5 out of 5, gross and gross!  Not everything is realistic, but it’s all wonderful!

Rape: 0 out of 0, you’ll have to watch Dark Knight Rises for that.

Animal Death: 0 out of 5, not on these flicks.

Necrophilia: 0 out of 5, I thought we may get a little taste, but science got in the way!

Torture: 3 out of 5, Kato gets fucked with a lot by the dwarf scientist.
Overall Movie: 3 out of 5, it was all right. Not terrible, not amazing......meh.