Death File

By Jimmy Squarejaw

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Our trusty narrator is back, dressed in his finest suit, sitting in a blue hued office with the Japanese logo lettering for the DEATH FILE series hanging on the wall behind him.  Looking at the lettering I'm guessing that probably cost more to make than the entire production of the video.  I'm no expert on the chronology of the DEATH FILE movies, but I'm guessing this might be an early entry in the series that acts as a greatest hits to the previous video releases, I just can't find a lot of information on it.  The only evidence for figuring out when this movie got released is after the narrator talks for a while he makes a pass over 6 other DEATH FILE videos that are numbered.  Comparatively to the other videos I've seen in this series the narrator appears untrained and keeps looking off camera clearly at the cue cards.  The intro is boring compared to the “cutting edge” or “artistic” intros seen later on DEATH FILE BLACK and RED.  All that shit aside we’re whisked away into the low-fi montage of death clips that begins DEATH FILE.

Up first is a nice slew of aftermath footage of random car wrecks.  The first is an upside down car on fire with people standing around probably saying, “what do we do now?” or “hey this car is upside down and on fire.”  The next clip stars Mr. Unkucky, who got mowed down by a car and is still wearing a surprised expression on his face-can’t fix that by gently pushing his eyelids down like on TV idiots.  These clips segue into a few Indy car races from the land of amber waves of grace, AMERICA!  Fiery explosions are seen and in the background you can hear the announcer for the televised race count off how many times one race car spins around on fire; I’m glad he had time to count for us in between his Bud Light intake and jumbo hotdog gorging.

In the other DEATH FILE films there seemed to be an effort to switch scenes a little better, following a common theme or SOMETHING that connected them but like I said before this entry must be an early film with a green production crew because from Indy Racing in America we go to Japanese police leading a handcuffed guy to a giant ceramic pot in the ground, after he looks in everyone reaches in and yanks out a dead person.  This is followed by more aftermath footage of a destroyed human laying on a street. The authorities were kind enough to only cover up their body minimally by a blanket so we can see their head that resembles a popped zit.  Naturally there is blood, brain, and other assorted human goo everywhere and it’s the dutiful job of the local police to pick up the person clumps with butcher paper and scoop his blood up with cupped, gloveless hands, makes sense.  DEATH FILE does a rapid fire scene dump of death before returning to the narrator in the blue room, now the enigmatic (kidding) narrator is standing next to a globe positioned to show South America.

In South America we watch a very large raid conducted by Policia Civil on a small shanty town constructed of garbage and dug out of the side of a hill.  In the streets during this chaos paparazzi swarm around everything taking pictures while the Policia clash with rioting locals.  I was waiting, and I’m sure the producers were too, for something interesting to happen but all of the rioters seemed to be okay with not interfering with the annoying paparazzi scum all over the place and no one died.  In South America, according what I can gather from the video montages, it’s all about drugs and huge guns and the camera crew make their way onto the property of a gang.  Unnoticed they walk across the property to a building and peek into the basement window where drug kingpins are making a deal of some type involving DRUGS and GUNS!  I’d can’t help but think this is staged because the fucking camera crew were not being inconspicuous at all.  The crew then takes it upon themselves to find the doorway to the underground room and try to film in it, the drug lords finally notice them and go, “HEY” and “WHOA” while putting up their hands to block the cameras almost politely.  Evidently the crew hit it off with the drug dealers because the South Americans brought the crew along to watch a few members molest women and have forcible intercourse with them, in TWO positions.  

Enough of South America, the Narrator has some shit to say in Japanese that I don’t understand while he twirls a letter opener in his hand.  This makes complete sense because clips of dogs in a shelter, people in a pool, and kids catching birds in nets are all show before jumping back to the narrator.  After some other shit he says that I don’t understand, we watch the worst scene in DEATH FILE, and in any other DEATH FILE MOVIE for that matter; A family takes their adolescent dog and ties him to the post holding up their DIY house, gives the dog a whack and then cut it’s head off so they can eat him.  Yep, it was fucking terrible but the family loved it and I’m guessing it was the first thing they ate in awhile other than recycled feces and bugs.

There is some HUGE segment about a town with a mine in it but that was boring to watch let alone write and read about.  The last clip in DEATH FILE was a long autopsy complete with sawing a head open with........a hand saw.  Then the “doctors” whip out the kitchen knife to open the thoracic cavity and abdomen and follow that by using a soup ladle to scoop out the succulent juices.  Hmmm, makes me glad to have the funding, even if quite minimal, to have adequate coroner and medical examiner facilities in the Ol’ United States.

DEATH FILE was an okay watch.  I think the filmmakers had the best intention to really get a global view on all things death and they seem to take the subject matter very seriously, but in this particular installment they didn’t accomplish making an interesting death film.  I would start with this one to get it out of the way, other than the dog scene DEATH FILE is pretty tame and from here DEATH FILE BLACK, http://www.sundaysnuff.blogspot.com/2013/07/death-file-black.html, and DEATH FILE RED, http://www.sundaysnuff.blogspot.com/2013/04/death-file-red.html, get better.  

Blake and Jimmy’s Extreme-O-Gauge!

Violence/Gore: 4 out of 5, yeah I said it was tame, but death is death and it’s still pretty gross.
Rape: 2 out of 5, the South American’s didn’t seem to have very willing partners.
Animal Death: 3 out of 5, only one little doggy died but that was hard to watch!
Necrophilia: 0 out of 0, not here.
Torture: 0 out of 0, nuh uh.
Overall Movie: 2 out of 5, I’d watch it again but not anytime soon.  This isn’t even a good one to put on the background of a party.