Oldboy 2013

By Jimmy Squarejaw

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Remakes are always a debatable topic amongst movie fans and it gives people something to bitch about, debate, and pretend like they have been fans of the original because it’s “so like my favorite movie.”  Further more American remakes of psychotic foreign movies really stirs up all sorts of stupid ramblings.  Sales of the original movie skyrocket, hits on websites like wikipedia and IMDB go through the roof, and everyone all of the sudden finds out the original has been on Netflix for years. That being said, the remake of OLDBOY directed by Spike Lee has been on my “oh my god”? radar for a little bit and I must admit a huge saving grace for keeping my interest was Josh Brolin playing the lead previously played by Korean nutbar Min-sik Choi.

OLDBOY 2013 begins with a nice glimpse into the drunken reality of lead character Josh Doucett: He’s a complete dirtbag, fall down drunk who hates his ex-wife, bails on his daughter’s 3rd birthday, and initiates his libido onto the wrong woman and looses a big account.  So far so good.  After loosing the account Doucett goes on an award winning bender that I swear to god was taken from my average weeknight.  I’ll be taking up receiving my own 40 acres and a mule from Spike for stealing my life details but that’s another story.  After waking up the next day from his drunken fiesta Doucett realizes he is imprisoned in a fake hotel room with no details to why.  

It takes a little bit of time for him to really loose his mind and hit rock bottom but eventually over the next twenty years Doucett kicks the booze habit, dials in those abs and pecs, learns martial arts from movies shown on his T.V., stays up to date with all of the details in the murder of his ex-wife he was framed for, and keeps tabs on how his orphaned daughter was raised-pretty informative news shows shown in the hotel jail room.  Just as he figures out how to break free Josh Doucett is suddenly and inexplicably released with a wad of cash, a nice pair of shades, an iPhone, and a new suit.  With the help of a doe eyed, ex-junky nurse he befriends, Doucett uncovers the facts about his imprisonment and beats the hell out of a few people along the way.

Josh Brolin makes OLDBOY 2013.  His portrayal of a drunk is amazing and should be looked up to by the youths of America.  And his portrayal of a really pissed off guy looking to figure out what the hell happened to him is also admirable I guess, but I prefer the drunk.  Elizabeth Olsen and Samuel Jackson are also great, which is no surprise.  But now for the bad news, Sharlto Copley’s character was nauseating and really detracted from the movie.  Think Dr. Evil mixed with McLovin and it’s really hard to take him seriously in any part of the movie.  

Now the big question, did it live up to the original?  Like all remakes for me, there are some pros and cons.  Pros being Brolin for sure and a few of the introduced Americanisms that of course had to be written to counter Koreanisms worked in the story.  And the story stuck to the.....how should I say.......naughty little plot twists that I really assumed the American version would alter or water down.  Another plus, Elizabeth Olsen’s rack but......y’know the plot kinda makes it a love/hate aspect and makes you question your morals.  Olsen's rack is  coupled with numerous shots of white man ass, so don't worry fellas there's something for the ladies!  The violence however lacked quite a bit, and the epic hammer battle in the original wasn’t even close to being as captivating.  But I will admit I was thankful an octopus’ life was spared in the remake.   

OLDBOY 2013 was worth a watch for sure but no matter who directed and starred in it, it couldn’t deliver the impact of the original-DUH!  The ending was pretty epic and gross and for the average American moviegoer who has no idea what OLDBOY is will probably get their brains fucked inside out with the big twist ending.       

Blake and Jimmy’s Extreme-O-Gauge!

Violence/Gore: 2 out of 5, a few whacks and breaks but meh.

Rape: 1 out of 5, nothing really inserted but a couple aggressive moments.

Animal Death: 1 out of 5, a shoebox full of lil' buddies meets an untimely demise.

Necrophilia: 0 out of 0

Torture: 2 out of 5, Sam Jackson has an unpleasant run in with Josh Brolin and an exacto knife.

Overall Movie: 3 out of 5, it was a good watch and I’d be interested to see what people who have never seen the original would think.

I Saw the Devil

By Senor Woo

Revenge, a dish best served cold…and Korean. At least in Kim Jee-Woon’s 2010 ultra violent flick I SAW THE DEVIL. What happens when a psychotic serial killer rapes, murders, and dismembers your pregnant fiancé? You take two weeks off work of being a secret agent and you track down and make the sick fuck pay, that’s what!

I SAW THE DEVIL is a pretty straight forward revenge movie with enough blood and gore to impress even the most jaded gore hound. After the brutal murder of his fiancé, a secret agent becomes hell bent on revenge. He relies on his training and eventually tracks the killer down. Does he instantly shoot him dead and piss on his corpse? Hell no, he delivers a hellacious beating and knocks him unconscious.  He then plants a tracking devise in the killers’ stomach so he can track and hear his every move.  After a while, the killer feels comfortable enough to get back at raping and murdering some young girls. Just when he is about to get all rapey on his newest victim, our hero shows up to ruin the fun, not to mention completely slicing through his Achillies tendon. It’s definitely a cringe-inducing scene. Once the killer gets privy to the tracking device, he downs a bunch of laxatives to shit his brains, and the device out. There is a nice little scene of him digging through his own shit. He then turns the tables on the agent by going after the people he has left to care about, his fiancés dad and sister. The old man takes a beating like a champ. The killer repeatedly smashes in his eye socket with a ten-pound dumbbell. I guess he is going to have a hard time SEEING the devil now! Zing!! The sister is also beaten beyond recognition and is presumably raped as well; this sends the agent or the edge even further. This cat and mouse game goes on for a while, until the brutal finale of some of the most extreme revenge pay off I have ever seen.

The best thing about this movie is that it’s not just gore and violence for the sake of gore and violence, it is amazingly acted and the storyline keeps you glued to the TV. But honestly, the gore and violence is what drew me to it. When it was first released in South Korea, it had to be drastically censored to even make it to the theatres and not get instantly banned. Good thing we got the unrated cut here on Blu Ray. Clocking in at over two hours long, the red stuff is flowing! All of the violence is brutally realistic and not over the top i.e. a lot of Japanese horror (think MEATBALL MACHINE.) A lot of heads get bashed in with pipes and hammers, a decapitation, we see a screwdriver slammed through someone’s cheeks, and lucky guy gets his jaw ripped into a “permanent Smile.”  Most of the rapes are implied so it’s pretty tame in that department. Like I mentioned earlier, the ending is very satisfying and creative. How do you torture a man that can’t feel emotion or pain? Our secret agent figures it out and it’s fucking great!! I SAW THE DEVIL is a must see movie. It’s definitely not for beginners, but if you are reading this review, you sure as shit can handle it.

Blake and Jimmy’s Extreme-O-Gauge!

Violence/Gore: 5 out of 5, super violent, super realistic 

Rape: 0 out of 0

Animal Death: 0 out of 0, I didn't even see a live animal in this movie

Necrophilia: 0 out of 0.

Torture: 5 out of 5, the best part about revenge movies is the torture and payoff. Good stuff here!

Overall Movie: 5 out of 5, I can't recommend this movie enough, it has everything. EVERYTHING!!